Confidence. Pre-baby, it was that feeling I got after working out 6 days straight, eating baked broccoli and chicken for supper, pulling out a super fast time on a 5k run and nabbing a super cute new outfit to wear wherever the hell I was going that week. Fast forward one year later. Now, I have confidence. Now- I have gained something I never had before.

Becoming a Mom has changed me. My inner voice now refuses to resort to uttering the words “I can’t do this”, instead only a solid resolve of “I will get this done.” It’s an inner strength that no matter what my child needs, I. Will. Get. It. Done. Whatever it takes. And there’s nothing in this world that will stand in my way. That, my friends, is my new confidence.

It’s funny that it took this long, and one squishy, demanding, busy little boy for me to get to this point. Much to my totally jaded surprise, the confidence I was seeking is not about something material for me anymore. It’s not something I get from the things I do. It’s a feeling of strength. It’s the sheer will and determination of expecting nothing less than 110% from yourself and KNOWING you will make things happen.

Now people, DO NOT GET ME WRONG HERE. When  I left the hospital with that baby, I was shitbaked. I remember being home and this total panic coming over me as this thought occurred to me, “This is it, no turning back now. This kid is with you forever.” And  remember thinking “but what if I’m no good at this parenting thing? Then what?” My mother lives just two streets away and would come up every morning to feed Baby his bottle. I found myself texting my mother (who I had advised pre-baby to back off, and not to call or come over too much)….yeah, well now I was texting her at 6am being like “Baby’s up!!!” and then silently sending up a prayer that she would immediately come over so there’d be someone else here with us. Moments that I would literally think to myself “Well if the baby wakes up and I can’t settle him, I’ll just call Mom. She will fix it.” I was 31 years old and for the first time in my life I was so scared I wanted my Mommy. These moments were the result of pure terror, panic and ZERO confidence. I mean I had just failed at birthing my own baby, right? Couldn’t even follow through with that plan…emergency c-section wasn’t in my labor plan. Of course I should throw in the nasty UTI that came from the surgery that (combined with haywire hormones) wiped me of all appetite and energy so my husband was doing 95% of baby duties because I didn’t have the health or motivation to do it myself. And then there was the breastfeeding, well that was a capital F. I couldn’t even get my baby to latch on to me properly. FAIL.After my 11lb baby cluster fed every hour on the hour and I spent all of my time attempting to breastfeed, followed by supplementing, followed by pumping, my husband (God love him) finally said “enough”. And that one word, that permission to say it’s ok, to try doing this another way, changed me.

Without the stress of all this on my shoulders I became me again. I began to enjoy those little moments with my boy, instead of freaking out about all of the what ifs. I began to let go of feeling like I needed someone as back up just in case I couldn’t come through in taking care of my own baby. Quickly I saw that when he cried, it was my arms that settled him. A week later I had him sleeping in his own crib, which meant myself and Daddy also started getting rest and becoming better parents for it.

Finally, FINALLY, I saw that I could do this. The only thing my baby needed was ME. That was the missing link. The confidence to know that I could do this. It didn’t matter that I hadn’t washed my hair in 4 days and that I had a side pony full of spit up and milk running down my legs from my lovely leaking ta-tas that were no longer being used. I’VE GOT THIS. Girl power and all that. The girl who barely slept with her alarm on, TV on, bedroom door closed with cats inside, now fell asleep with the damn doors unlocked because I DARE YOU TO MESS WITH ME AND MY BABY.

So confidence, I found you, you sneaky bastard. You hid behind your mask of superficial ideals for so many years, who knew I had to figure out what I could DO and believe that I could do it, to find you.